Sunday 1 July 2007 12.17pm

Almost cried just now, have to stop myself from lying on the bed and come to here to work. Okay, the tears were in the eyes but at least not flowing down like river stream. I’m recovering, I knew, but it’s very hard. Abit of beer now should make me better.

Anyway, just have to start working hard from now onwards. The hell door is waiting for me now, can’t imagine what will happen if I couldn’t finish this. Today not so tiring, managed to complete the count around 11am. But I don’t what happened to me and I just climb up the highest place I ever been on my foot. I just keep telling myself that if I want to change myself, I have to face all those thingy that I scared of all this while. If I can’t do all this, I really don’t think I can change myself. Overall, I’m happy that I managed to do it, although I do feel abit of scary when I’m on top of it. Shit man, how can I climb so high? And the staircase is the kind in which you can see the underneath everytime you step on it. It will take time to get rid of it and I will try hard to do it.

Lunch soon. Have to go and get my colleague, maybe he is tired and fall asleep now. I wish I can sleep also, but my minds just miss you!

30 June 2007 10.21pm

It’s a good day for me cos I ain’t crying for the first time ever since 18th June. It’s already 10.22pm now and I don’t think I will cry today cos I’m dead tired now. Maybe the tears just dried up after 12th days of successive crying? At least, I knew this mean I’m recovering, although deep inside I’m still sad, I realised I just need to move on now. What in the past has already passed by now and I can’t re-do all my mistakes now. All I can do is to look forward and work for the futures. It’s hard but I just want to give myself a try. Anyway, I knew myself, I’m a tough bull player on the field and I should be like that in my life. Just have to thank my best buddies, Jarod, Voon and Kailou for the supports during this few weeks! Enjoy the beering times with you guy’s man!

Okay, today I had some new experiences, first time I’m travelling around in the estates. And I did take some pictures, long time I never enjoy myself taking pictures ever since I came back from Sabah. I realised one can be happy when they make themselves happy. I managed to visit a goat’s farm and meet up with the so called Hero, the Mating King of the barn. He quite fierce and show off his anger. Maybe the camera flash cos him to be angry, but I asked permission first, guess not my fault anyway.  And managed to catch the newly borned baby goats. What you call baby goat ha ? Shit, I really not good in english lar! And I’m really suprised 1 days old baby goat is so big! I mean so big ? How the mom carry it man ?  

I’m very tired now, finished my work at 5pm only. Have to walk, crawl, climb and endured the terror ride up and down the estates hills. My head got hide twice, but I don’t feel the pain. Actually, I just came back from chit chatting with the Estate managers and internal auditor after dinner. I really don’t know I can do that man! The last time of me won’t be doing all this kind of socialise thingy also. I’m glad I’m starting to change now. And I’m eating bittergourd today oso, the first time I’m enjoying bitter gourd. Maybe b’cos I’m in bitter mood, that why it tasted tastily to me now. Keke…. Anyway, I really do enjoy myself today, seeing something news. I knew I’m very down emoticonally but I just have to think something else now. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be seeing something new again, never see CPO or PK before!

Anyhow, you still come across my minds any seconds during the days, You’re the first person I thought of when I woke up and the last person I thought of when I go to sleep……I really miss you ….


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