I really don’t know whether I’m recovering or whether I’m getting worse. Today I cried again, I just can’t stand anymore. And I knew the hurts is still there. And it’s very very torturing to me now. I really can’t stand it and I really don’t know how long I can stand this also. Alots of people told me that when it’s over, it really mean over and I should just get over it. But how can one put aside a love so easily ? Other told me that my 5 years wasn’t anything compared to others, there are people out there which has relationship more than 5 years ended as well. People divorced after 10 years, 15 years. But that is other, not me. And tell you what, my heart to you has never ever changed ever since the first day I fall for you. And it is still the same even at now. Although there is so many thing that I didn’t say or do these past years, it doesn’t mean my feeling for you has faded. It will never faded. Maybe you don’t understand my work, that I can’t put you in my minds 24/7, b’cos my work really required alots of comitment from me. My work really stressful and I never want shared it with you b’cos I never want to burden you with my own problems. I knew that is wrong now, but there is no 2nd chance for me to proved to you I knew my mistakes. Maybe I don’t know how to express myself to you. I don’t know how to express my feeling to you.
I knew I’ve to carry on my life now. But I really don’t know how … Everything I see or do will make me remind of you. Maybe you don’t know, I always think of you during these 5 years whenever I can. I’m in Bintulu now and there is abit lesser thing that will make me remind of you, but you still came to my minds throughout the day. I really don’t know how to survive in KL cos I think alots of things will make me thinking of you. I will be in KL again in 3 more days and I’m just very scared to go back now. I wish I can go other places which is far from you now. Cos I don’t know what I will do. I really don’t know. And I have to act normal in front of my family. The last thing I want to do is to make my parent worry about me. And I have to take beer to go to sleep. Am drinking beer now also, cos I knew I can’t sleep tonite without it. I knew I’m stupid but I really wish the god took my live now.
I really don’t know how you can be so persistent in this. But I never blame you a single bit for all this b’cos I knew it is my own faults. I knew I’ve hurted you oso by shutting you out for months. I knew I’ve 5 years to proved to you but I never do that. But I really can’t give up on you. I will never ever give up on you …
I understand that we can no longer be together now. Maybe you will find someone who will love you more than I do, you will carry on with you life, but I knew that I just can’t stop loving you. The 5 years with you will be something I want to treasure forever and ever. I may not be the first person to do this but I’m just happy I can do it. For someone I really love.
I really love you Chloe!
(P/s: I knew you will never read this b’cos I never told you I’m blogging also. I never tell you anything. I just hope to feel better after saying what inside my heart now, although it really doesnt help much. Hope you will do better than I am.)