9 years ago ….

9 years ago, on today was the first time I hold a girl hand. And yes, she is my first gf, it is on a shinny 16 August 1998 when 2 human being begin their first journey as a couple. Although it has ended long time ago, it will be a date I knew I will look back at it every year and think of the moment ….
And I just realised now that the first time I hold my 2nd gf hand was on the same road as well. Maybe that the fated love road for me. Haha … not in the mood to laugh actually. Cos I’m back to the starting point again.  Back to the bottom point again. My emotion has gone down again this 2 days, I cried few times a days, and I just can’t shake you off from my minds all the times.
When you message me to ask me to go out on your birthday I didn’t reply b’cos I really don’t know what to do. I knew my heart will be very hurt by going out with you. And I knew myself the hurt cos I feel it after I went out with you for movie last month. I actually couldn’t smile at all during the movie even though it is funny. That why after that day, I stopped messaging you. Cos I don’t know how to mend the hurtful feeling and I knew I need to mend it. All this really not b’cos I hate you or angry with you, it is all just b’cos that I still love you. All my breakup buddies has advise me not to go out with you anymore b’cos they knew how hurt I’ll be. All my buddy actually don’t dare to go out with their ex soon after the breakup and hurt themself and actually they are quite proud for my bravery to be hurted. And it is just few days after I saw you with that guy! After I saw you with that guy, I really feel so hurt, cos I don’t understand how you can move on so fast. I actually plan to change myself and plan to try to win your heart back after 1 or 2 years, or 5 years, 10 years, or no longer how long it takes. And all this hope has just gone in seconds when I saw you with him! My heart has been broken totally. You actually break all the pieces left and there is not a single pieces left.
But in the end, I managed to convinced myself that maybe both of you are meant to be togehter, maybe both of you are the main actor and actress in this movie and it is really times for me as a supporting actor to move aside. I actually managed to sleep without beer after I convinced myself on this.
But I’m back to the bottom, I need beer to get to sleep. I’m so drunk yesterday that I can still feel it in the morning. I knew this will happen to me but I never regret to go out with you on your birthday! If you let me see what will happen to me now, I will still choose to do the same. B’cos I knew when I look back in the futures on what I did on your birthday, I will feel proud and happy with myself. Although it might seem nothing big deal to you, but I’m really happy with what I’ve done! I just want to show you that how to love someone even though with my broken heart. How to show to you that I mean it when I said I really love you!
I knew I had hurt you by saying we couldn’t be friend anymore. I knew that if I continue to be like this, I will be stuck in this circles forever and ever. I need to move on. Maybe I act selfishly here, but I knew I have to move on. Cos the 5 years relationship has already ended and I’m alone in the relationship circles waiting for you to come back. I finally understand that you will never come back so I have to move out of this circles. I don’t know how long it will take me to totally move out of this circles, but i knew it won’t be short. I just can’t go out with you or seeing you without feeling the hurt and acting normal and though I knew I will miss you much everyday, I knew I just had to be strong and do this.
I don’t know whether you are lying to me just to make me feel better or you really want to be this guys. But I really do hope you really want to be with him cos if wat you said is true, I scare you will end up hurting yourself more later. I can just pray for you that he really will love you more than I do and he will give you the happiness that you wanted that I couldn’t give to you. You really have all my happy and good luck blessing for your futures.
I really enjoy your companion in this 5 years and when I look back, I will be happy b’cos I knew I had 2 women who had loved me much before. Even though I don’t know now I can had another women in my life again, but even I’m alone my whole life, I guess I can be happy cos I had more than 9 years in relationship and to be loved by someone. And there is someone outside which never lbeenoved before in their life. I’m much lucky already I guess.
Actually, in my heart, there is a slight relief that this actually happened b’cos if it never happened, I guess I will still be stuck in my own worlds forever and I might end up hurting you more in the futures. The only regret is that I couldn’t have a chance to proved to you I had woke up and wana salvage my own mistakes. I knew I’m abit too late to said this after 5 years, but it will remain my biggest regret in my life. I never blame you for not giving me another chance, maybe actually I had too many already, it just that I don’t realised it.
Lastly, all started with Jay Chou songs and I guess it just has to be ended with his song also. I guess the new song "Secret Can’t be Told" just came out on time to be the ending song for this beautiful 5 years with you. Like I said, if we are meant to be together, we will be. If not, if you can just remember that there was this tai chu who really love you so much for this 5 years! Don’t hesitate on that. And I also learned and understand that to love someone, it wasn’t necessary meant both person has to be together. You can still love someone when you are not together. I guess I will just continue to love you. Maybe you think I’m silly and that there are alots of ppl outside for me to love, but to be frank, I’m just happy just to be able love you from here. Just do take care of yourself and please do something that will make you happy for your futures…. all the best and happy always!
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